lame!

i am, so very lame. I have nothing to say except that i am sitting here typing something because i know that i should, and that i am snacking on chocolate chips intended for cookie making. Snackin' on 'em right out of the bag. Lame. and i wonder why my butt is so big?

I do what I want, Whatevah!

Um, I got nuthin'. Again. With the big fat nuthin'. If i ever came avross a blog like this i would desire to blow it up. nuthin'

oh, nuthin'......

i like cocoa and chocolate and fluffy bunnies, but i got nuthin' to say to the internet today! woo-hooo! ahoy! avast! It's spelled forecastle but pronounced fo'c'sle!

nuthin'!

so very much nuthin'!

The book says to just keep writing, everyday, three pages, but i so got the nuthin' like that lame-ass never ending story nuthin' that ate up the princess' little glowing orthanc and left her with nuthin' and a eurotrash boy named sebastian, oh nuthin'! Big ass fluffy wormpuppy drgaon oh it was a very bad puppet of nuthin'! My kid is scaredof wolves and he nearly peed himself when he saw the gmork but is now afraid of Humbaba from the tale of gilgamesh, oh, crap i got nuthin!!!!!

oh fuck this noise!

goddammit

ok, so everyone i ever went to college with is still making art, so it seems. I looked up bennet mcknight, jennifer eleck, jason-bob kittle, erich woll, jeremey burt....they's all doing shit and i ain't.


i made another human being.

but they could too. and maybe some of them have, while continuing to make art. why did i ever go to art school? i really don't know. just a way to leave home? becasue the school was close to my boyfreind? because i was the only person i knew who could draw?

i can't draw for shit. and i sure as shit can't paint.

leslie spicher, peet sasaki, jesus penis. i bet floyd is making things. what is the real value of making things? is my life any more stupid because i can't make things?

It's March.

And i didn't even notice. It's not like i don't have a calender and a dayrunner. somehow i just never really looked. It's a long day today, watching the brothers ath their house. i need to leave in half an hour but i know this is the only chance today i will get to do any of this, so here goes. I got nuthin'. No surprise there, is it? One day will i read all this crap back and wonder what the hell i was thinking? I'm embarrassed just thinking about it. if i ran into this sort of crap written by someone else i'd slap 'em. Stop yer bitchin'.

Something to talk about that is not me:

anything in the world. so much more is notme than is me. The world is round, but people used to think it was flat. I wonder why? you can see the curve, i guess people just never looked for it. We know, so we do. Altho there are still some flat earthers out there, but i think thay are a tech group of some kind, or maybe rolepaying.

i am just trying to fill up space here, meet my required three pages. What's the word count on three pages? I don't know. I should go back and try to re-read this. What's the point, tho, really. I don't keep up very well with this, and i don't do a single other exercise in the book. So i am wondering about this. waste of time, really. like eating celery sticks, but just adding it to an already unhealthy diet and still not excercising.

My cat's breath smells like cat food.

a cat died of birdful in france or germany or something. Apparently, it ate a flu-infected bird. imagine that. now they want to impose some kind of kitty cufew. how will that work on outdoor cats? what if they just snack on a bird in the daytime?

fluffy bunnies are very cute.

chocolate is delcious.

really, i gotta go.

It did not suck!

The king cake was a bit mushy, it rose hugely in the oven. It was not even a ring shape when i took it out, it was a giant pastry, but pretty darn yummy! I stuck a plastic rabbit in it for lack of a baby, and made sure the little boy got that slice. A Mardi Gras Miracle!!! It was a bit too lemony, but i think that there were some mistakes in the reciepe. The frosting called for:

3/4 c confectioner's sugar
1/4 c lemon juice
36 tablespoons water.

ok, right there, ya got koolaid. basicallly. So i am wondering if the rest of the set up was right. It did turn out well, but next year will be better.

I'm setting up another bloggy thinggy for the daily doodle/ doodle wrnagler stuff that i haven't touched in a year or so. I am high if i think i will ever have time for this. But some part of me needs to just know that it is there, waiting for me if i need it, if i can get back to it. Somehow i can't give up the idea of art, and being an artist. When the doodling really fell off, i went to needlework. Why can't i turn my whole focus to housework and childcare? i did choose this, why can't i really dedicate myself to it? Where is the 'surrender' people talk about in following your dharma? Do i need to lay aside all these things entirely? is even some sock making keeping me from full acceptance of what i do? how can i learn to love it and look forward to it with something other than dread? How can i stop this useless whinging and bitching? How do i purge these feelings?

Or do i just not. Just ignore them. Some people say that emotions can't be controlled, only actions can. I can't help feeling a certain way, but i can act as if i don't feel it. I do that a lot anyway. It makes for weird moods of frantic crankiness. And i get snappy.

I never was really into the idea of a vacation, i never wanted my life to be something i wanted to take a holiday from. My personal deffinition of sucess was the ability to do laundry in my own house. Now i avoid it whenever possible. I am no longer in love with the washing machine. I did used to be, really. I loved the thing, i sat down and watched the clothes tumble in it, named it, gave it the very best soap and used the 'ecco-wash' setting, because if it was green, it was somehow better. now i shut the folding doors that contain the laundry area and try to walk past the huge piles of clean and dirty laundry that are stacking up all over the house. i dream about living a completely differnt life everyday. a childfree and husband free life. i suck. did i wait too long to do this? am i really to selfish to be good at this? it feels like i started youngish....married at 23, kid at 28, seems on track.

i can't even type anymore of this shite. it's depressing. i wish i could burn it all down.